Anxiety and depression.

Mental illness plays the role of the huge, wobbling, grey elephant in the room of our society.

We all deal with both these problems to some extent.

For some people, like myself, it’s an every day battle.

But no one talks about it.

A lot of people who don’t have mental illness or haven’t experienced it at some point in their lives don’t understand the severity of it, they think that it only exists in your head. You throw yourself an every day pity party and you’re the only one who bothers to show up. If you can’t see it, it’s not there. If you aren’t limping or squinting your black eye, the suffering is nonexistent.

Recently, I’ve been struggling more than normal. I wish I could say that it’s a recent development, but it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time.

After years of keeping quiet, I’m here to skip the small talk.

This isn’t for attention. I’m here to be genuine. I’m here to be real in a society that focuses solely on capturing the highlight reel.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can stop reading this whenever you like. Refocus all that energy that you’ve posed upon on me and send it back to yourself. Take a deep breathe. Reevaluate. I’m not writing for your approval.

Anxiety:

My mind:
A shadow of fear, following me around everywhere I go. It’s the little voice in the back of my head, constantly coming up with the most minuscule things to worry about. My emotions are replaced by solely fear, but somehow I’m feeling everything at once. It’s me, counting to ten, trying to calm myself down because the world around me has stopped and all I can hear is my uneven heartbeat and the panicking voice in my head. A mind filled with constant irritability and apprehension. My whole world is whirling, spinning, and I’m stuck on an upside-down roller coaster that I can’t get off.

My body:
The shaking of my hands, trying to hold a pencil in class, followed by the false explanation of drinking too much caffeine. Biting my lip and the insides of my cheeks, sometimes to the point where I taste blood. The bouncing of my leg while sitting, trying release the built up nervous tension. Feeling dizzy and overwhelmed under the slightest amount of stress. Desperation to find comfort in the uncomfortable.

How Others Perceive It:
I’m acting weird. I’m weak. I allow my anxiety to win.

The Reality of Anxiety:
Constant smiling without it meaning anything. Biting my tongue because I don’t have words to form into sentences because my mind is a million miles away, and when I do have words they come out with a stutter, or a stumble, or I say the wrong thing. It’s having to push myself to go outside and do actual real human things because staying at home means it will be worse. Its like watching a movie reel of someone else’s life and being forced to live it. You can’t fight it or push it away. I am trying my hardest.

Depression:

In My Head:

Black and white emotions; either feeling under the world, or on top of it, along with the fear of having no idea which feelings will come out and when. Unable to focus on anything, not in a hyper sense, in a mind-wondering-blank-empty-stare at faded walls. Positive mantras repeating in my head like a broken record. Wanting to cut off from everyone around me because the only thing worse than being in pain is seeing those you love hurt.

My body:
A tiredness that sleep can’t fix. The car, the dinner table, the living room, filled with bodies and absent conversation because my mind is either a hurricane or a desert. The hurricane only breaks out when I’m alone, so when I’m with other people all I can muster up are one word answers. Burning tears running down my face as I get out of the shower because I can’t be alone with my mind for ten minutes. The cracking glass mask I glue on every day that insists everything is okay. The hope and need that tomorrow will be better.

How Others Perceive It:
I’m acting weird. I’m weak. I am in love with my sadness.

The Reality Of Depression:
The drugs don’t work. It feels as if nothing is enjoyable anymore. Pressing piano keys and going for a run no longer cause serotonin to rush to my head. I’m suffering from a disease. Always feeling like I have to keep it to myself and not tell anyone around me because it’s a mood killer. The panic in people’s eyes when they are searching for something to say but know that words are just words and a whisper of I’m sorry can’t help me. Life turns into slow motion and white noise. Hours feel like minutes. Too many short-lived positive moments and the downfall of sadness immediately after.

If you’re experiencing anything similar to this, or the same things, know you are not alone. Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and although you haven’t seen it yet, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Know you can talk to me whenever. Talk to your family. Talk to someone.

If you’re lucky enough to not have to face an every day fight with mental illness, reach out to help someone you know struggling with it. Be more patient. Spread love and be mindful of those around you. Show people you know that are suffering how much you care about them as if you would if someone was physically sick. It’s a battle the toughest people on earth can’t face alone.

As for me, I am okay. I am fighting and surrounded by people who help me get stronger every day. I have a thyroid condition that causes me to constantly be imbalanced (depression and anxiety just being a couple of the side effects) but I’m making the most of it. I am loved and loving myself to the fullest extent. Right now, things are tough but I’m not allowing the darkness in my life to overtake the light. My life is beautiful and I’m not going to forget that. I want to travel. I want to go swimming in waters that are infested with color fish and coral. I want to climb mountains and dance all night in sparkly clothing. I will overcome this because I am the happiest person alive standing under a rain cloud that will soon turn into a rainbow. Although I am scared to live as I used to before, I’ll do whatever it takes to overcome my struggles because I have a lion inside of me who refuses to quiet.

(Photo Credits: Sammy Slabbinck)