These are some personal notes I reworked from my journal + some beautiful photos I took this past week.

I take three deep breaths, clench and unclench my trembling hands, and repeat the mantra that has been circling through my head for days, “The world is a beautiful place and I am no longer afraid to die.”

For two years I’ve missed out on countless incredible opportunities because my anxiety controlled me. This year the anxiety became so bad there were a lot of days where I couldn’t even leave my house. I put myself in a tiny box and tightly sealed the lid, allowing myself to stay in the abyss of my comfort zone.

Coming from a family that travels a lot, I struggled to keep up with the outgoing mindset everyone had about all the activities we would do while on these trips. As a result, I would just insist everyone should go ahead because I wanted to practice my ukulele or go for a walk. Endless excuses spilled out like ink on a piece of paper. My irrational fears were controlling me.

A few weeks ago, my mom told me that we’d being going on a cruise through Alaska for our family vacation. Immediately, my mind began to race.

I hate flying on airplanes and I don’t know what the flight to Canada is like. What if we hit turbulence? What if something is wrong with the plane?

I’d never been to Canada. What if I get separated in an area I’ve never been to?

Missing three days of school means a lot of catch up work..

A cruise? I’d never even been on a boat for more than half a day. A whole week?

There’s icebergs in Alaska… is it even safe to sail there?

What if something is wrong with the ship?

Every possible irrational fear rushed through my head. I was well aware of how irrational these fears were; but they still existed. I couldn’t communicate how I felt about my fears to anyone because they would simply just respond that everything would be fine.

The reality was I was aware that not everything is always fine. I’ve been in a lot of situations where the unlikely happened. The unlikely could happen again.

I declined the offer of a once- in-a-lifetime trip and said I would just stay with my dad, using school as an excuse. I decided the things we would be doing on the trip would cause too much stress and anxiety for me.

A week before the trip, I had a mind bending realization behind the meaning of a quote that had been circling my thoughts for months.

The world is a beautiful place and I am no longer afraid to die.

It was something I had read on a bathroom stall months ago, but it took me some time to finally understand it. This could be easily interpreted to sound as a suicidal thought. For me, it was more of a positive mantra. My anxiety all circled around an ultimate fear of dying. I loved life so much I didn’t want to ever let it go. This quote spoke to me in a moment I needed it the most. There is so much to experience and see in this beautiful world that anxiety could no longer threaten my decisions.

So, I followed through with my decision, faced my fears and got on a plane to British Columbia. For the first time in a year and a half, I flew with zero anxiety. My mantra kept playing in my head. I felt powerful. I felt alive. I was facing my anxiety with two fists up, ready for anything to come, no longer hiding.

After a long day of customs and driving from one place to the next, we boarded the ship.

Two days of smooth sailing and no wifi had gone by, I felt at peace and ready to take on anything thrown my way.

I went ATVing and exploring in Chichagof, an island with the world’s highest concentration of wild coastal brown bears anywhere in the world, 4,400 bears to 1,100 people.Despite a huge fear I have of heights, I rode the world’s fastest zip rider at 65 MPH over Chichagof Island.

Watched the glaciers melt as a result of global warming.

I rode in a helicopter for the first time over the Mendenhall Glaciers in Juneau.

Trekked and ice climbed that same glacier shortly after.

Rode in a helicopter again…

Hiked Mount Roberts Trail after riding a tram up to the Nature Reserve.

A month ago, I had trouble leaving my house. Today, I climbed a mountain (literally). I did things I never would have been able to do if I hadn’t pushed through the thoughts in the back of my head. Once I learned to accept my anxiety as a part of me; then live despite my anxiety, all the fear inside of me melted away, like I was free.

I am no longer missing out on the roses because I’m afraid of being pricked by a thorn.